You know you’re a conservative if…
1) You cross the street to avoid health-food stores.
2) You are married, to someone of the opposite sex.
3) You were definitely born in Hawaii.
4) You can locate Oklahoma on a map.
5) You know who killed Andrew Breitbart.
6) You never considered joining the Peace Corps.
7) You are happy to lose friends over politics.
8) You know who all your children are.
9) You remember the 1960s.
10) You’ve always wondered about Al Gore’s sanity.
11) You have never fantasized about harming Chris Christie.
12) You have never dreamed of owning a Volt.
13) You think Ann Coulter is hot.
14) You believe Juanita Broaddrick.
15) You once were governor of Alaska.
16) You think that the existence of God is “settled science”.
17) You were not saddened by the death of bin Laden.
18) You shut your door on Greenpeace canvassers.
19) You believe that Ted Kennedy “acted stupidly” his whole life.
20) You have never questioned your own sexuality.
21) You are not still in college.
22) You have never donated to Save the Lemurs.
23) Your son does not call you by your first name.
24) Your son does not call you “Dude…”
25) You know who Tony Stewart is.
26) You have a National Debt Clock on your microwave.
27) You have never signed a petition to arrest Dick Cheney.
28) You know how to weld.
29) You are personally acquainted with several cops.
30) You own more than six handguns.
31) You had a bake sale for the Pentagon.
32) You threw out your Whole Earth Catalog in 1973.
33) Your inner child has grown up
34) You don’t have any actor friends.
35) You never worried about the hole in the ozone layer.
36) You just can’t visualize world peace.
37) You have fantasized about harming Michael Moore.
38) Your other car is a gas guzzler too.
39) You’ve never listened to A Prairie Home Companion.
40) Your National Endowment for the Arts grant application was returned unopened.
41) You believe that Bush won Florida.
42) Your idea of ‘hip’ culture is Bonanza.
43) You dented a Prius but didn’t leave a note.
44) You have never handcuffed yourself to anything.
45) You have never been lectured about drugs by your daughter.
46) You are in the 99% and proud of it.
47) You think Paula Deen is kinda cute.
48) You have been to Morgan City.
49) Your speedboat has more horsepower than your car.
50) You never use the words “inappropriate” or “astonishing”.
51) You question Papa Bush’s sexuality.
52) You don’t spend much time thinking about trans-fats.
53) Your church doesn’t have a rainbow flag out front.
54) You always have secretly admired Wayne Newton.
55) You own zero compact fluorescent bulbs.
56) You are not in therapy.
57) You knew about John Edwards from the get-go.
58) You successfully campaigned to have your neighbor’s windmill shut down.
59) You’ve always been creeped out by Bill Clinton.
60) You never really liked Oprah.
61) Your stock portfolio is all defense contractors.
62) You once were investigated for calling IRS agents “terrorists”.
63) You didn’t know it was Breast Cancer Awareness month.
64) Your homepage is Newsmax.
65) You think that Madonna should use her full married name.
66) You have never wanted to have a daughter just like Lindsey Lohan.
67) You believe Herman Cain.
68) You don’t care if you have radon in your basement.
69) You’ve never trusted Putin.
70) You have applied to purchase a personal drone.
71) You run a safe house for Tea Partiers.
72) You have a picture of Charlton Heston taped to your dashboard.
73) You specifically requested that all your tax dollars go only to the military.
74) You have never confused The Star Spangled Banner with Stairway to Heaven.
75) You’re still gloating about Dan Rather.
76) You are about to publish Bill Maher’s home address on the internet.
77) You have seen all the Charles Bronson films.
78) You think Todd Palin should move up to NASCAR.
79) You once were a Soldier of Fortune.
80) Your whole family works for Halliburton.