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If you would like to support this site, you now can own the Nikitas3.com treatise, ‘You know that you are a conservative if…’ (below) listing the many ways to know for darned sure that you are on the “right side” of the issues. For your $5 donation through PayPal (above) ‘You know that you are a conservative if…’ will be printed on a single piece of cheap 8-1/2 X 11 copy paper (no expensive art papers here), signed by me – ‘Thank you, NIKITAS’ – and mailed to you folded in three, in a standard envelope. Yes, just ten dollars! Perfect for framing or taping to the refrigerator and infinitely more valuable and thought-provoking than that lousy lithograph you just paid $300 for. Yes, for just a couple of fivers you too can become a member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Buy one for your liberal friends and watch them run to therapy. United States addresses only. Your support will help Nikitas3.com from becoming clogged up with advertising and will remind you every day why you are “right” about, well, everything.
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You know that you’re a conservative if… by Nikitas
You cross the street to avoid health-food stores. You are married – to someone of the opposite sex. You were definitely born in Hawaii. You know who killed Andrew Breitbart. You thought the Peace Corps was a communist idea. You are happy to lose friends over politics. You know who all your children are. You remember the 1960s. You believe that Al Gore’s birth certificate is fake. You have never fantasized about harming Mitt Romney. You think Ann Coulter is hot. You believe Juanita Broaddrick. You once were governor of Alaska. You think that the existence of God is “settled science”. You were not saddened by the death of bin Laden. You ordered Greenpeace canvassers off your property. You believe that Ted Kennedy “acted stupidly” his whole life. You have never dreamed of owning a Chevy Volt. You have never questioned your own sexuality. You are not in your ninth year of college. You have never donated to Save the Lemurs. Your daughter does not call you by your first name. You know who Brad Keselowksi is. You have a National Debt Clock on your microwave. You have never signed a petition to arrest Dick Cheney. You know how to weld… underwater. You are personally acquainted with several cops. You own more than three handguns. Your son does not call you “dude”. You had a bake sale for the Pentagon. You threw out your Whole Earth Catalog in 1973. Your inner child grew up in real time. You don’t have any actor friends. You never worried about the hole in the ozone layer. You refuse to visualize world peace. You have fantasized about harming Michael Moore. Your other car is a gas guzzler too. You’ve never listened to A Prairie Home Companion and never want to. Your National Endowment for the Arts grant application was returned unopened. You believe that Bush won Florida. Your idea of ‘hip’ culture is Bonanza. You dented a Prius but didn’t leave a note. You want a Constitutional amendment for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You have a Susan Sarandon voodoo doll. You have never been lectured about drugs by your children. You are in the 99% and proud of it. You think Paula Deen is kinda cute. You have been to Morgan City. Your speedboat has more horsepower than your car. You never use the words “inappropriate” or “astonishing”. You question Joe Biden’s sexuality. You fish. You don’t spend much time thinking about trans-fats. Your church doesn’t have a rainbow flag out front. You always have secretly admired Wayne Newton. You live next door to a nuclear power plant and don’t give it a second thought. You are not in therapy. You knew about Solyndra from the get-go. Your kids’ V Chip also blocks MSNBC. You have never written a screenplay. You successfully campaigned to have your neighbor’s windmill shut down. You’ve always been creeped out by Bill Clinton. You never really liked Oprah. Your stock portfolio is all defense contractors. You once were investigated for calling IRS agents “terrorists”. You didn’t know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Your homepage is Newsmax. You work at a nuclear power plant. You want Obama drug tested. You think that Madonna should use her full married name. You have never wanted to have a daughter just like Lindsey Lohan. You still like Newt. You don’t care if you have radon in your basement. You’ve never trusted Vladimir Putin. You run a safe house for survivalists. You have a picture of Charlton Heston taped to your dashboard. You specifically request each year that all your tax dollars go only to the military. You have never confused The Star Spangled Banner with Stairway to Heaven. You’re still gloating about Dan Rather. You have published Bill Maher’s home address on the internet. You have seen all the Charles Bronson films. You are urging Todd Palin to move up to NASCAR. You once were a Soldier of Fortune. You ran a write-in campaign for Ted Nugent to be governor of Michigan. Your whole family works for Halliburton.